News From The Alternate Universe #1

News From The Alternate Universe.

(Inspired by The New Yorker, 6/8/11)

Sideways Bridge To Somewhere

Representative Anthony Weiner, the subject of controversy over his “underpants” pictures, held a press conference today in which he said the situation had become untenable and he would be forced to make “some tough choices.”   He asked supporters to be patient and promised to announce a decision shortly.


Top Democrats have called for him to resign, saying his online affairs, suggestive Twitter posts, and self-published semi-nude photographs were a distraction from the federal government’s important work of strengthening corporate welfare and getting politicians re-elected.


In response, Weiner’s press secretary issued the following statement: “Congressman Weiner takes the views of his colleagues very seriously and has determined that he needs this time to focus on his art.  In light of that, he will request a short leave of absence from the House of Representatives so that he can get his portfolio of photography and tweetpoetry evaluated by art experts.”


One of the art experts Weiner has worked with in the past said, on condition of anonymity, “The Representative obviously has an artistic vision, but I’m not convinced that he’s ready to move from erotic art hobbyist to a full-time commitment.”  Other artists have been more blunt, saying that Weiner’s celebrity status as a career politician is the only reason people are interested his art.


Privately Weiner has told friends and colleagues that he feels he has an important cultural contribution to make.  “It wouldn’t surprise me if Tony took some time off from politicking to do more erotic photography,” said John Kenney, Weiner’s barista and gym buddy.  “He has a certain gift, and he’s not getting any younger.  His kind of art has a pretty short shelf-life, quite frankly.”


While Weiner’s artwork has been attacked by Republicans in general, some individual Republicans have seen the controversy as an opportunity for presenting their own artistic visions.  Newt Gingrich announced he would be holding a one-man show of photographs at an art gallery or coffeehouse to be determined.  “I have some very classy nude shots of Callista from our last vacation that will really impress people,” Gingrich proclaimed.  “They’ll leave Weiner’s junk in the dust.”


Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin took time out from her ongoing non-campaign tour to announce that she had “some pretty hot Americana photography” which she will be displaying soon, along with selections from her adult commemorative plate collection.